I’ve forgotten what happiness is like. I don’t remember a point in my life where I had genuine happiness - no lingering troubles or feelings of uncertainty.
Don’t get me wrong I have my moments of happiness but they’re fleeting. It’s taken me so long to realise that all moments are fleeting and I don’t really have a big picture plan.
And I don’t have a big picture plan because I know I’ll end up disappointed.
The only plan I have in place is to do things that make me happy. See people who make me happy.
I’ve been chasing this happy feeling for so long and I know it is within my grasp despite my weary legs and shortness of breath.
"Things take time" - yes I understand but this has been 3-4 years now I have felt this way.
Yet I would never turn and say “isn’t it someone else’s turn?” Because this feeling; this low, demoralising, self loathing and cynical feeling is one that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.
I want to be happy again. I’m trying to be happy again. I’m tired but I’m trying.
I eat what I want when I want, I get to walk around wearing as few clothes as I want - much to the annoyance of my flatmates at times.
I’m rather content with life at the minute.
so much has changed but today marked a brand new turn. a turn i wasn’t ready for but knew was coming.
and right now i feel so low, lower than i’ve felt in the past 2-3 years and it’s a struggle to remind myself that it can get better and things will be good again.
i just don’t care for very much right now and i don’t really want to talk to anyone - i don’t want to be sad or upset but at the same time the thought of being happy is a long long way away.
falling out of love is an experience. not a good one, perhaps not necessarily a bad one either given circumstance but an experience nonetheless.
things end. it’s hard to accept but things end for a number of different reasons.
this isn’t some shit fucking rom-com where the two individuals involved fall back in each others arms 30 mins later in the film. this feeling that i can’t shake right now is unbelievably horrible.
2 years ago i would have tried the easy option and i hate admitting that but i know i would have. tomorrow i’ll wake up at 3.30am and head off to work and i’ll try leave all of my problems at the door and crack on.
love isn’t a feeling. it’s an ability.
i do however wish what i feel right now was an ability.
"can’t we just get along cause i’ve got the jist of holding on to you"